FaithFull Living

this is the beginning of my 22nd year of school. wow.  i've spent more time studying and learning in my life than anything else. i still overcommit. i still sign up for too many classes. i still buy too many books. and i still love shopping for school supplies. i mean, who can resist those sparkly planners that are unmarked? color-coding must release some kind of dopamine, because i really love it.  this year, i want school to work for me. i want to focus my studies on what interests me most. i want to prioritize my health. i want to enjoy my days. i hope to make an attempt at having a sleep schedule and maybe keep my room clean?  the older i get, the more i want to enjoy my life. my tendency is to plan the wonder and adventure out of my life. and while i will never stop planning, i think i can let myself breathe a little more, after all, i know what i'm doing.   so here's to another school year. 

 pain is:               -messy               -comes in inconvenient moments               -disregards my emotions               -everywhere, nowhere, and in that one place               -sits with me all night               -lightning in my body               -unseen inflammation               -hungry for more of me   -the desire to crawl in a hole   -feeling like bare minimum requires everything               -feeling like i haven’t done enough               -the inability to do any more               -an unmet expectation               -plans that get rescheduled               -days without income               -a furrowed brow               -a clenched jaw               -a gasp               -tears that won’t come               -until i can’t imagine my future without it               -a reminder that i am still alive

When was the last time you dreamed? I’m not talking about the dreams that flash across your mind as you sleep, but the dreams with potential to take you places in your awake life.  I’ve always had dreams and goals, but recently, I’ve been trying to purposely stretch that muscle. Every morning, I write five dreams, little or big. I got the idea from Mel Robbins. It’s interesting to watch my dreams change day by day. I get to see which ones repeat themselves, and what seems to be passing fantasy. When I see the ones that come up over and over, then I know that those are the ones I want to take action on.  Go, try it. Write down 5 dreams that you have today. See how it shapes your day.  Keep dreaming, my friends. 

Every year, I pick a word as a kind of marker, a thing to grow into and learn about. I never thought I would choose the word chaos, yet here I am. Chaos holds mystery, power, and potential. It's an invitation to be flexible and accept change. It's leading me to try new things, change my mind, go on last minute adventures, and enjoy all the colorful things in my life.  I suspect that the embrace of chaos may just lead me to peace within myself. I definitely hope it leads to a more tangible sense of playfulness and exploration. So, here's to 2023, and all the chaos it will bring.